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Born a bastard in a house on fire, you always tried to wash the ashes away but never quite suceeded. At an early age you started hiding and then the hiding turned into running.You ran as far as you could manage but always ended up in another house on fire.You thought you could save the world, when all you really needed to save, was yourself.Born into shame, raised with the guilt, you promised that you would never pass that on. You were a searcher and everywhere you looked there was a path unexplored. You found shelter in God, and salvation in a bottle. You longed to be loved but could only find it in their abuse, and they kept beating you to the ground. And you kept on running, opening new paths to find yourself but you could never run away from yourself. The ashes were still on your skin, the guilt was still in every breath. You carried the pain, forward within. You were forever stuck in that burning house, unable to get out and no one heard your cries.
In this vicious circle.

Then there was me, someone to love you unconditionally. But with the breast milk came everything you had tried to outrun.Your love was never enough, your love was never enough. Because the shame, the guilt and the ashes now live in me. Now I run, trying to break free, trying to find me.
In this vicious circle.
It´s hard because the ashes have marked me. I too carry the guilt, the shame and the pain, forward within.
You didn´t mean for this to happen, but I´m stuck in the same house on fire.

I´m my mother´s daughter


from In The Midst Of Hope And Nothingness, released July 6, 2015



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