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In The Midst Of Hope And Nothingness

by Heart On My Sleeve

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LP released by Through Love Records, Middle-Man Records, Walking Is Still Honest Records & Tell Wilhelm Records.

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released July 6, 2015

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Track Name: This Failure Is Not On Me
So this is the letter that I never sent you, the words that I never said.

I don´t know if this could have ended differently. Sometimes I wish I could go back and erase every bad thing I ever said.

Still, this failure is not on me.
I understand that this could never have worked out.
You came in carrying your past, as did I.
Every word ever exchanged was always a reminder.
Each sigh, every touch, each glance, threw us back.

You couldn´t let go and I couldn´t let you in.

Remember the hours we spent with The Smiths - it makes me choke.
Repeating the lines of This Charming Man, brings up the scent of you.
And it all ends up in a cycle of absence for a love that could never last.

There was always a part of you I could never reach.
Still I tried, tried, tried, too many times.

Still, this failure is not on me.
I understand now that this could never have worked out.
You came in carrying your past, as did I.
Every word ever exchanged was always a reminder.
Each sigh, every touch, each glance, threw us back.

You could´nt let go and I couldn´t let you in.

All I have left now are the memories of you, of me and Morrissey and with them, I will end what I never told you.
xoxo
Track Name: So I Ran With Scissors
My mom said to always expect the worse, but to trust my life in God´s hands.
School taught me to never question their authority, to only gulp down what they were feeding me.
Society told me to not love myself until my body fit into their mold.
My doctor clamied that meat was good for me and that I should ignore my conscience.
Subcultures showed me how to be myself, as long as I looked like everyone else.

So at one point I decided to leave everything behind and do my own thing.
I couln´t live my life after their standards so I ran.
Rejecting everything, resisting to be like you.
My life might not be perfect but it´s mine.

So I ran with scissors - finding my own way.
So I run with scissors - finding my own way.
I might not have the answers but I can figure them out on my own.

Sometimes you have to let go and run.
So I ran…

Fuck your norms, to hell with your rules.
Fuck your schools, to hell with your gods.

Fuck you for making me feel small

Be yourself no matter what, find your own path.
Run with scissors.
Track Name: Vicious Circles
Born a bastard in a house on fire, you always tried to wash the ashes away but never quite suceeded. At an early age you started hiding and then the hiding turned into running.You ran as far as you could manage but always ended up in another house on fire.You thought you could save the world, when all you really needed to save, was yourself.Born into shame, raised with the guilt, you promised that you would never pass that on. You were a searcher and everywhere you looked there was a path unexplored. You found shelter in God, and salvation in a bottle. You longed to be loved but could only find it in their abuse, and they kept beating you to the ground. And you kept on running, opening new paths to find yourself but you could never run away from yourself. The ashes were still on your skin, the guilt was still in every breath. You carried the pain, forward within. You were forever stuck in that burning house, unable to get out and no one heard your cries.
In this vicious circle.

Then there was me, someone to love you unconditionally. But with the breast milk came everything you had tried to outrun.Your love was never enough, your love was never enough. Because the shame, the guilt and the ashes now live in me. Now I run, trying to break free, trying to find me.
In this vicious circle.
It´s hard because the ashes have marked me. I too carry the guilt, the shame and the pain, forward within.
You didn´t mean for this to happen, but I´m stuck in the same house on fire.

I´m my mother´s daughter
Track Name: What Doesn't Kill You (Will Damage You)
What Doesn´t Kill You (Will Damage You).

Trust should make you feel secure but in a world where trust is just a word, security is not what you seek. You feel safe in what you know and chaos is your lifeboat, in the twirling and spinning that is your life.
Trust. Love. End. Life.
That one person you warned yourself about, all of a sudden makes sense.
You feel at home, in the embrace of self destruction, you look no further because you know, you know that this is what you have longed for.

That person who keeps you up, but also drags you down.
That person to trust, who surely will sell you out.
You know that one person, that person who you stick up for even though you know you shouldn´t. You know in your heart that you shouldn´t
And you question love because if this isn´t it, I don´t know what is. I don`t know anymore.
This is home, this is where you belong

I know I shouldn´t but still do. I wish I wouldn´t but still do. I keep on pushing you away, while you drag me home. If I trust in love, it will end my life.
Born in ashes, live in flames. I play with fire but I´m not alone. Tears + chaos equals home. This is where I belong. If I trust in love, it will end my life.
Track Name: He Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven
Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

Poem by William Butler Yeats
Track Name: A Tale Of Two Hearts
I left the door unlocked. Still I find the you in me. But where am I?
When I left I kept on walking. Giving me room to breathe.

Remember/Forget. Hold me/ Let go. Stay here. I can´t, I won´t

The void you left within me. Fills all the space in me.

Forget/ Remember. Let go/ Hold me. Move on. I can´t, I won´t

I lost myself in you. I found myself in us and together we were lost in each other. I found myself in you. I lost myself in us. We found comfort in each other.

Don´t let go. Please let go.

At first I was terrified of the things I couldn´t see. Couldn´t grasp what was happening, that you opened up to me

Don´t let go.

The fear of getting too close forced me away. Embracing you took everything I could give. It took everything I wanted to be, so I ran.

Please let go.

Remember/Forget. Hold me/ Let go. Stay here. I can´t, I won´t. Forget/Remember. Let go/ Hold me. Move on/ Stay here. I can´t, I won´t


It wasn´t supposed to be this way. I wasn´t supposed to feel this way.
Was it supposed to be this way? Was I supposed to feel this way? Were we supposed to end like this? Either way, this is where we part.
Track Name: In The Beauty Of It All
He opens his eyes to the sound of snow melting, a tapping sound of water falling to the ground. The sun creates a halo above the trees and he recollects a jesus status he saw as a child. He lies there in the beauty of it all, trying to stay in that moment. Eventually he will feel the cold from the wet ground. Soon he will feel the rumbeling in his empty stomach.

Before long he will have to swallow his pride and ask people for money, with his hand stretched out.

But for now, he will just lie there, in the beauty of it all. Forgetting all the ugliness that life has thrown at him. Ignoring the glares from people walking by. Disdaining the pointing fingers from passive bystanders. Trying to dismiss the sore back that years on the ground has caused him. He just wants to lie there, in this moment, in the beauty of it all. He was a person once with hopes and dreams for the future. Now he can´t even remember who that person was anymore. He sits on the sidewalk, hand outstretched, an emptiness in his eyes. You walk on by but keep your eyes on the sky.

You see him but you pretend that you don´t.
You wish he wasn´t there but he is, and you see him.
You know he is there but soon you´ll be in the safety of your home and you will have forgotten all about him. Outside he struggles with the cold hurting his limbs but that´s not your problem, that is the beauty of it all. That is the beauty of being privileged, that is the beauty of being you. Ignorance is bliss.
It could have been you, it could have been me, in this moment, in the beauty of it all. In the beauty of it all.
Track Name: Home Is Where The Hurt Is
The walls of your house were built from guilt and shame. Your dad hit and your mom cried. You were stuck in your corner of the world. No one saw, heard or cared anyway.
You glanced at everyone else but chose to be alone.
Because what if they found out, what if someone saw, what if daddy thought you had tattled. You stopped crying, no one cared.
You wanted to be someone but no one noticed you.

Dad released his anger and the bruises painted your skin.
In your room you planned to escape, to disapear to be forgotten.
The first time you hit, a piece of you died but the darkness shattered. For once you were not weak and for each blow the fear vanished, you were no longer afraid, when you hit, you felt strong.

Mammas gråt sjönk in som knivar under dina revben, punkterade ditt hjärta och lät dig blöda ut. På insidan hade du brunnit så länge, att du nästan blivit till aska.

In the darkness I screamed words that no one heard.
When I grow up I will never be like them, Daddy please love me, mommy please see me, anybody help me.
Track Name: I Hate It When You're Here, But I Miss You When You're Gone
Your scent is lingering on my pillow, even though you´re out the door. When you´re here, I can´t fucking stand you, but when you´re gone, I kind of miss you. You´re right here, but still too far away, still too far away. You´re right here, but still too far away.
I built this lifeless life around you, afraid what would come without you.
It seems so easy for you, holding tight and letting go.
I built this lifeless life around you, afraid what would come without you.
It seems so easy for you, holding tight and letting go.

I hate it when you´re here but I miss you when you´re gone.
I have opened this window only to close that door, I´ve danced this dance before.
I trust you, I love you, I fucked up, I need time, I hate you, I , oh I hate you
I can´t do this again, you´re all the same.

I hate it when you´re here but I miss you when you´re gone.

Promises that are meant to be broken are worse than lies.

I trust you, I love you, I fucked up, I need time, I hate you, I promise, I promise.
I trust you, I love you, I fucked up, I need time, I hate you, I hate you.

Even though your faces change, you´re all the same.
I´m not the same person, I´m not the same person anymore.

I´ve watched the backs of strangers, sleeping in my bed.
I´ve seen the faces of loved ones, fade away, fade away.
I´ve watched the backs of strangers, sleeping in my bed.
I´ve seen the faces of loved ones, fade away.